WANTED:
THE FUNNIEST MOVIE AWARD.
Okay, maybe others didn't find it as funny as I did. After all, I think I was the only one laughing at the end of the movie. Then again, lena thought it was funny too! Therefore, I protest my uh, apparent oddity.
BUT HOW COME NO ONE ELSE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AH.
I consider it six bucks spent for the laughter because it was so hilarious that I can't stop laughing everytime I think about it.
Don't read on if you intend on catching it, and catch it if you possess a lot of suspension-of-disbelief abilities in you. I think reviews rate it generally as good. Yes. Warning: this is bloody long, and consists of the entire storyline.
This movie starts off with a bit of narration of an office worker bitching about his boss. Then abruptly, it switches scene to an office room. Guy A is talking to guy B. Suddenly guy A tells guy B to get down, but obviously when people ask you to get down you do not get down. So guy B gets shot. Guy A starts running towards the lift. However, some innate voice within him possesses him to run out of the lift back into the office room, and BAM! He crashes through his office glass and LEAPS over to the building next to it, all the while killing the assasins aiming at him. The assassins look stunned here, and I would be too seeing that you hardly see people jumping from one building aiming to get to the opposite. There's a last assassin left, and just when the guy is about to reach the other building through horizontal acceleration of some sort, he goes out of the screen. Is he dead? A few suspended seconds. Assassin waits. BANG! A bullet flies through his head. OUR GUY A IS VICTORIOUS!
Just then, a phone call comes. You will know that it's never a good thing to get phone calls right at the moment of victory. A seemingly victorious conversation goes on between the two with good news being transmitted, before Guy A says "BUT WHY WOULD THEY SEND A NOOB PAWN LIKE YOU TO INFORM ME!" Guy A is a smart guy. "They were just decoys." The caller replies. Guy A looks down. He sees an X at where he's standing. "GOODBYE, MR X." and bang! Guy A is shot. You expect the shooter to be behind him, but before you have a chance to think that a moment longer, the bullet zooms back in reverse frame motion and goes all the way back some million buildings away, where inside is a guy looking through a telescope thingy from his room. The last part of the conversation is replayed, and we see the guy pulling the trigger and the bullet zooming all the way forward again curving past the million buildings and going through Guy A's brain, complete with holes and blood.
Back to the office worker, who is a son, and has this father who left their family long ago. Out of the blue someday, some assasin (angelina jolie, in fact) kidnaps him over and he enters the Fratenity, of which the boss is God from Bruce Almighty (very appropriately, in this movie he controls THE LOOM OF FATE which decides on WHO TO DIE. After all, God has that power and when he summons you you can't refuse, etc). The Fraternity is this society which takes justice into their own hands and kill targets ordered by some higher authority. They tell him that his father was killed yesterday by a guy named Cross. He believes it, despite knowing nothing of his father, because they show him a room which they claim to be his. No, he doesn't suspect the fact that it MIGHT NOT be his father. They spend a ridiculous amount of time preparing him for Revenge, and finally, HE IS READY.
He stalks him to a train, and they have a gunfight, where the climax happens at... tada, you guessed it, on a precarious bridge in between two mountains! Their gun skills are so good that every bullet they fire is met with a bullet by the other guy. Our hero runs to the front and pushes the brake abruptly because he doesn't want the train to go into the other hill so that he can see the supposed murderer. The sudden abrupt impulse (yes, you learnt physics. Insert your knowledge about reverse momentum) of it sends the train derailing off the tracks and WHEE the scene we all have been waiting for, the about-to-crash-into-insane-depths train! Sort of like Titanic, because...
THE TRAIN BREAKS INTO HALF! you know, one half staying on top and the other falling. The hero's on the train on top which is teetering on the edge, and he is about to join the other half as well (the carriage's open, remember) when OMG THE GUY WHO SUPPOSEDLY MURDERS HIS FATHER catches him! We get a scene of them looking into each other's eyes. We wonder what will happen next. We pray for a happy ending where our hero finds out that the guy is actually good after all, and they will become one big happy family.
BUT NO! Gasp! What is our hero doing? He's whipping out his gun from his pocket with his hanging hand! He shoots the guy! The half of the train starts to fall as well! It falls, and it is caught by a jutting part of the cliff. Our hero climbs inside the train, and the guy is not dead yet because he has a few words to say. I wonder what.
"They... 've.... been.... telling.... you....a.... lie.... That.... man... wasn't.... your.... father..."
Pause.
Audience wonders if he's going to die at all.
"I...am."
Dramatic silence.
Hero goes, "WHAT?" or something to that effect. Precisely what the audience is wondering.
Father/murderer of his father conveniently dies.
"Is this true." he asks Jolie.
Audience holds breath.
"Yes." Jolie answers.
(Our favourite question here) "WHY?"
"Because you were the only one he wouldn't kill."
Train now falls off the jutting edge, and into the sea. Dead father floats. Our hero sinks.
No, he doesn't die, you sucker. If you thought he did you have never watched a Hollywood movie before, and need to be sent back to China. He wakes up in an apartment, in a bathtub with white filmed substance which is supposed to make you recover at godspeed. The audience finds out that he is saved by the guy who makes the father's bullets, because his father's wish before he died was for the son to find out the truth. He shows him around the apartment, and now
that appartment, is the real appartment where his real father lived. He goes around looking at pictures yet again, and spots a picture of a little boy which TADA, is him! -insert emo-
If you're wondering why the father left him for so long, it was because "he wanted you to have a normal life, a life that was not his". Too bad for him, for as they say, "GOT THIS FATHER WILL HAVE THIS SON" (translate to chinese) and the son has always been fated for this. And oh yeah, the father happens to be the Righteous member of the fraternity, who left because he found out that our God has been asking them to kill targets for profits, and all because one day his own name appears in the Loom Of Life (what?! How can god be killed? It's a blasphemy! of course he kills people instead!) After telling him all this, the bullet-maker now hands him a plane ticket, and tells him that he can now live the life that his father wanted him to. Does he take the plane ticket and leave happily, get a wife in another nation and have lots of kids? Y/N
Shoot yourself if you choose Y. He finds out a secret room, which contains his father's plans for mice attached with explosives to bomb up buildings/kill a person! He Are Inspiredz. He goes to the supermarket and buy up the entire rack of peanut butter. He miraculously obtains millions of mice, and attaches them to explosives. Next you know, he's driving a garbage truck to the Fraternity building. Insert dramatic entrance. He crashes the truck which is in reverse through the gate. Bullets start raining down, but none of them hit him. He pushes a button, and the millions of mice are emptied. They run into the building and five four three two one they explode!
If you think that's the end you're mistaken, for teh fraternity iz all powderfulz. Nobody is killed. He has wasted his peanut butter and his mice. He runs through the aisle, and bullets fire from everywhere, but because of his SUPERPOWER vision he avoids all of them, and kills all the people firing. But as Magneto very nicely put, "IN CHESS, THE PAWNS GO FIRST" and so none of them are important people. He shoots shoots shoots and has lots of obstacles before he finally ends up in The Room. He thinks it's empty, so he runs in the middle shouting for the boss. Of course it isn't, and all the important assassins suddenly appear and point guns at him in a circle.
Our hero tells them what our god has been doing, and our boss reveals that all their names came out too. He asks them to decide what to do, that if they're that righteous they should shoot themselves, and if not they should shoot him. He leaves. Now here comes the part I genuninely think is good, so zhihua, skip the next paragraph. One of the guy says, "Fuck the code" and prepares to shoot our hero. Jolie smiles,
but not because she wants to do that. No, she points her god-endowed gun at him, and shoots! throws the gun at our hero, and places herself into position, because this bullet is powderfulz enough to travel through heads in a circle, and finally end up in Jolie's head. The good part is the non-cliched part of Jolie killing herself in the end as well, because if she lives and has kids with our hero I will proclaim it as very stupid instead of very hilarious. It's all that TRAGIC HERO where Jolie is too righteous to bear violating the code. Omg, heart! Better than othello.
The boss isn't killed of course, and is nowhere to be found. You would think the movie would have ended now. Hero begins a soliloquy.
"So who am I? Am I the pathetic office worker? Am I an assassin? Am I a son who has just killed his father?
I AM ALL OF THIS.
AND NONE OF THIS."
-scene changes to him back in his original office building, only empty. We see his back, and him googling his own name only to come out with nothing.
"This is not me trying to save the world. This is not me trying to live my own life."
Just then our god appears again, smiles at the back of his head while holding a gun. And then,
"This is not me."
The guy turns around to reveal that he isn't our hero. Our god goes "Fuck", looks down, and sees an "X". Bullet goes through his head. And no, that isn't the end. They REVERSE THE BULLET AGAIN, past millions of buildings, through his original office boss's donut, through the drink of his best friend who is screwing his ex girlfriend, and back into his father's appartment.
"THIS IS ME, TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE.
(we think he ends here)
(he turns to the audience)
WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?"
-credits roll-
If you manage to read through the entire thing, TELL ME WHY NOBODY ELSE WAS LAUGHING.
0 flowers
0 Comments:
far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Friday, June 27
9:50 PM
