Tangible, intangible.
I find myself losing contact with the rest, maybe because of a general sense of apathy or maybe just cos I find it hard to go beyond the surface level with others unless they've reached that level of closeness. I can have fun and banter around, sure, but if you ever thought the zhixin on this blog is all that is to me, then let's just say you're seriously misguided.
If you think you know me, think again.
I feel quite guilty though, cos it's as though every time others create opportunities for me to join them, but I just refuse to go any deeper. I keep resolving to do this and that, but everytime it seems as though there are a million and one things to do, endless and all equally important, supposedly. The tangibles. Your grade is tangible, your homework is tangible, your achievements are tangible -- your social life isn't. Your social life isn't valued at all, viewed as redundant in the face of everything tangible that's apparently going to help you climb the career ladder towards more money -- another tangible thing.
People often work towards tangible goals -- better grades, more money, more of everything materialistic, everything that can be measured quantitatively. You can see them increasing, and sensing is indeed a greater motivation than trying to grasp onto a concept, empty wisps of your feelings. How do you define the intangibles? You can't. There's nothing concrete about them, therefore, nothing substantial. So it's only with hope that more of these tangible things will in turn translate into more of your intangible happiness, with people blindly working towards a goal, chanting, "more, more, more".
Technically, it's logical. Without money, you can't do anything and enjoy the so-called freedom you've always desired, or thought you did. Who can have fun when they're starving, or when they're without that ipod which everyone else in the world has? It's all going round and round in a vicious cycle, cause, effect, cause, effect, never ending, never changing.
And when you're tired, it seems like you can't stop, think, take a break.
I envy Ms huang. She's going to quit next year to travel around the world, to find back the meaning of life, cos she feels that she doesn't find a point in all these mundane tasks. I really do envy her, for how many of us have the opportunity to just take a period off and really let go, to find that elusive point which it seems everyone doesn't have any idea what it is. Fulfillment? Love? Happiness? When it comes to the purpose of life, nobody answers "to earn more money", "to get full marks for everything", but now it turns to the intangibles. And if the intangibles are so unimportant in the face of the tangibles, doesn't that mean that everyone today is just drifting without purpose?
It would be nice to just have an entire period off for writing, for reading, for connecting with other people, for the intangibles that often get thrown aside. I picture this huge field so green it hurts your eyes, with the breeze blowing in your ears, the clouds hiding the glare of the sun but not so much that you can't sense the brightness of the day. That scent of freshness, where is it? Now I content myself with the smell of construction and the smell of City Hall.
I long to go back to Bagan serai and spend two weeks there, just enjoying the rural air, the feeling of being awakened by birds, the smell of the polluted river, the simple way of using a bike to get around everywhere. To hope that at night the adults will bring us to the market or bring back putu maya or apong, however you spell them. Those bumpy roads, never quite smoothened, never quite straightened. The feeling of laziness as you lie on the black floor and play daidi with your cousins while watching TV channels in a language you can't comprehend, yet it just sounds so familiar and soothing. Playing soccer with a toy ball at the back of next door's unoccupied house, climbing over the gate that separates the two houses. Trying to retrieve the ball when it drops into the river full of shit and rubbish and grimacing at the grossness of it. Throwing stones and seeing whose stone gets the furthest. Engaging in cycling races at precarious speeds with Baby sitting behind me. Bullying rabbit and turtle and throwing boasters at them. Trying to cheat at daidi, playing till the wee hours of the night and shrieking when you see a rat scuttling about.
And I wonder whether these days will ever come back again, what with the horrendous fight where the vicious neighbours tried to kill my grandparents, and with every one of us growing up. Rabbit and turtle, both 19 already, both with girlfriends, and ah san, same age as me, but already growing distant because of her boyfriend.
When I was in primary school, I used to miss going back to bagan serai so much that I would think I was heidi, denied from the countryside which I love. Now, what with everyone growing apart, the place has lost its meaning.
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far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Monday, August 28
10:46 PM
