That feeling of being oppressed
Have you ever felt oppressed, something like being forced to go without oxygen in space, that total feeling of not being in control but instead being controlled?
Sometimes that force is invisible, indirect, unexplanable. It's not as though someone is really forcing you to do something, but more like you get this
feeling of being forced to conform to something that you just aren't.
Maybe you won't ever know what I'm talking about, if you keep religiously to these set of "social rules". You won't even notice its presense if you embrace these rules -- or maybe these rules
are you.
This set of social rules dictates what's cool and what's not. What's cool? Not taking the first move. Standing there ignoring everyone that goes past. Not speaking up in class. Not doing anything out-of-the-ordinary. Breaking school rules. I don't know, they're something intangible, something you instinctively know as you grow older. In the younger years, you see little primary school kids with low belts, high socks, high bags, and they can hardly care less -- nothing really affects how they interact with others.
Now? It's the "in" thing to be cool.
Seriously, I don't like people who are too "cool".
Coolness seems to include critcizing everyone that comes along.
Judgementalism. It creates a very oppressive atmosphere, so much so that you feel that you're choking, that you can't do anything without being criticized.
I can't fit in with judgemental people. I think the only people that can fit in with them are people who are
like them, or at least in those very few categories they think are not unacceptable. Which are practically nil. The only thing that's totally acceptable to them -- is themselves.
Narcissim? It is a form of it.
Only the things I'm in are acceptable, only the things I do are acceptable.It doesn't take much to make someone feel powerless. You don't even need words. All you need is this glance that goes,
I can't believe you did such a stupid thing, I can't believe you're so stupid, I can't believe you made such a stupid suggestion. Or maybe you don't even need a glance -- all you need is to totally ignore the person, cause she just isn't worthy enough of your attention.
Whatever. I mean,
seriously. I might not be as good as them in terms of achievements, but in the social aspect -- I think I score
a lot more points than them. At least I don't judge.
I've never really cared much about the social rules as long as I know that I have friends that won't give me this disbelieving glance of
you're so stupid i can't believe you just did that weird thing, cause I know no matter what I do, they'll not abandon me but I'll still be their friend. I know I've already been accepted, so it's okay to be myself, to just throw myself of all social obligations to be cool.
But then, with people like
them, I can't. I feel choked, suffocated. The only way to prevent yourself from making a social boo-boo is to
keep quiet, but even that doesn't stop you from getting that feeling of
you are such a freak. It seems as though everything I'm in is stupid, everything I represent is stupid, my ccas are stupid, even my
name is stupid. Oh, just go to hell for thinking that; if you think that, you're
stupider. you make me feel like shoving that i-am-so-superior look down your throat. if not for the sake of the next two years, i have no idea why i'm tolerating all this.
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far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Thursday, April 27
8:45 PM
