I screwed it up.
What's new? Just the usual -- another debate session screwed up by me.
I have no idea why I keep hanging on debate when debate makes me feel so demoralized, makes me feel so
low. Every time I debate it seems as though I lose more self confidence. In everything I am rather sure I can do at least average, but in debate I know I always die. I have no idea why I am still in debate.
Actually, I know why. It's cos the thought of quitting debate is so unbearable that I don't want to quit, though each time my confidence ebbs away like sand in a net.
I can actually do a few decent debates. FEW. when I am not feeling so nervous. Problem is, almost everytime I debate, I have a spasm of nervousness and fear and end up not being able to think properly enough.
And therefore, that leads to stuttering and my speech not being well substantiated enough.
After the debate I think of all the stuff I could have added in, and didn't.
My lack of general knowledge is really astonishing. I know nothing, nuts about the world, about world matters.
At least Rui Ling and Kristin and all the rest debate well enough. I screw it up almost every time. I am so sorry to them for dragging them down with me.
I don't think I ever want to see the other debaters again... it's so embarrasing to screw up a debate in front of those pro debaters.
So now I have sank into a period of demoralization and depression.
I hate debate.
No. I actually like it sometimes.
Totally zonked out for the second debate, but I could tell that Sam Cheam IS really good. Totally eloquent and all. A standard I will never even reach half of. And Rui Ling and Kristin were gushing about how nice his voice was after the debate.... sigh.
I wish that I have even half the standard of theirs. A random person without any training could do better than me I bet.
I have NO IDEA why AC wants to spar with us and Nanyang (nanyang didn't turn up in the end, which was a pity). Must be some ego-boosting thing. We should have ego-boosting spars too... damn.
You notice that "debate" has an alliteration with "dead", "damn", "demoralizing", "depressing"?
That's how it is for me... so much for debate boosting your self confidence. It ends up doing the opposite to me.
Maybe I should quit. Then I won't pull everyone else down with me.
Rui Ling's really funny! Love her style... she was talking about government being this magnetic field and everything revolving around it. hahaha... plus during the prep for globalization she was going on about China -- the egg which evolved into a blooming dragon... hahahha, Meera was halfway through her speech about China when she looked over and burst out in laughter. :D
And now I have a giant headache with debates. Damn.
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far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Friday, September 9
2:39 PM
