Random depressed mood
School has started. YES, SCHOOL HAS STARTED.
Right now I am in a random depressed mood.
Perhaps I should try to pinpoint the source of depression. But I suppose I already know in my heart and mind.
I hadn't realised it would hurt. But i suppose I realise it now.
It was just that I was reading some blogs and I suddenly became depressed. Don't ask me why.
I suppose i can reveal some depressing issues.
The most shallow issue of my depression is because of the starting of school. for we are back to the monotonous school days of sitting in class, listening to teachers' nonsense, and taking down notes. Just the mere thought of exams makes me want to throw everything down on the ground and stomp on them. And great, we have a test on some atomic structure the week right after the first week when school reopens.
Excuse me, would anybody be kind enough to tell me what the teacher has been mumbling about for all of the lessons? for I don't think the words got themselves into my ears. I should dig my ears. probably too much ear wax or something. It's really suprising, for the amount of ear wax just increases suddenly when science comes. chemical reaction, anyone?
And we have another test on world war II and British defeat together with japanese occupation. structured essay. i hate structured essay. i realised that debate and history are damn interlinked. Which is to say, i suck at both of them. Or perhaps, more specifically, mostly debate as up till now we only had source-based questions for history.
It's a bad feeling. Knowing that you suck at almost everything. Knowing that you are far worse than a lot of people there. Knowing that you'll never be as good as the top. The top is just a distant dream in space. It makes you want to give up.
You need a decent content if you want to present a decent debate speech. Which means you need to have good general knowledge. the problem is, whenever I open up a newspaper my eyelids start to feel extra heavy. And i know the article is extremely important if i start yawning away.
It's a bad feeling too when you know that the school's system is going to cause all your ccas to die down. It's a bad feeling when you have to re-scout for ccas when you can't be in the ccas you love anymore. It's a bad feeling when you know that nobody is interested in joining your ccas, probably because of points. cca points. we are rather "materialistic" in that sense. as in we don't do something out of pure interest and passion, but instead do it because we want to get more points. What do points matter in the long run of your life? Then again, I am probably hypocritic, trying to preach all these since everybody do in some way care about points.
I have different faces. I am not that naive to believe that I present the same image to everyone. Nor do I really care. In their hearts, everybody knows that what they really desire is acceptance. Why do people take drugs? Why do people smoke? To gain acceptance from their peers, to let them think that they are cool. Acceptance is the answer to everyone's questions. In a class, why doesn't anyone ask questions when everyone is silent? For in that instant, people fear. Fear of not gaining acceptance. Only people who are already confident of their acceptance are free to do what they want.
Some people are naturally liked. They socialise a lot, everyone is charmed by them whether in terms of looks and character. They are part of the popular crowd, the cool crowd. Others are just part of the rest, blending in with everyone. I guess I do mind this social status since I can never be part of the popular crowd, well liked by everybody, center of attention every time you want to be.
I think I crapped too much. therefore I apologise for making everyone read through all these crap when all these aren't my source of depression. Thus everyone has just wasted their time.
Call me evil if you like. I just love being evil. MUHAHAHA. The most important thing is not whether you are evil or good, the most important thing is whether you do it with
style. Take Hitler. He was evil but he was evil with style. Therefore everyone remembered him. No style/creativity, nothing. whether you are the world's kindest purest soul ever. Therefore I predict that Harry potter (the character) is going to be forgotten in a few years for he does not have an inch of style inside his pathetic body.
OH yeah. Just a side note. Hitler was short too (I think). The only places where height matters is when you are modelling, and I am not interested in modelling, therefore height DOES NOT matter. So there...
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far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Monday, June 27
9:33 PM
