Moments
Ahh. *choked sob* Reading blogs again, thus becoming sad again.
I should have known better. For some reason blogs make me sad.
Oh yeah. I should be more specific. The blogs I was reading refer to the SCGS debate girls' blogs.
I don't suppose you know why? Memories are so sad... even happy ones. How contradicting. I have always been fascinated by contrasts.
Happy memories are sad as they have passed. Sad memories are sad as they are sad. Guess that tells you a lot about whether I am pessimistic or optimistic.
Or perhaps sad is too simple a word to use. Too common, too cliched. Nostalgic? That sounds as though I am some old lady pinning for the past. Well, i suppose the past part is true but not the old lady part...
As I read the blogs I was struck by something very strong -- the bonding between the different debaters. And I wonder wistfully whether I'll ever be part of their group, part of the bonding. Whether I'll ever be as good as them.
I feel rather sorry that I have missed out so many opportunities to get to know other school's debaters better. I mean, I could have attended so many competitions, but I didn't. I suppose me suddenly being in the debate camp could be Fate. Just imagine all the stuff I would have missed out had I not attended.
Although I didn't feel really included since they have already solid friendships with each other, I could still stare enviously at them at the sidelines, looking at them play and joke around. I wish for more, to be part of them, but it might just remain a distant dream, for I might always be the audience, the spectator, the one looking through the thick glass pane at them. The outsider?
I suppose one could inch towards them, shorten the distance, socialise. Socialise. What a big word that takes courage. I never really liked big groups for I prefer the one-to-one contact with people, the one that allows me to focus my attention on. I never was good at dividing my attention. Some things I would say to some people, other things to others. But I could try to
socialise for the sake of being part of the large group, no matter how minor the role might be.
You could say I won't be satisfied, and it would be true. Everyone is different, and so am I. I might claim to be a true inside-out leo, but in fact I know that unlike a typical leo, I don't do well in large crowds, and I'll rarely be the center of attention in normal situations. My tongue gets numb suddenly, and my brain rushes thousand kilometers per second to think of something to say only to come up with emptiness. Silence. Always hated that unless I really want it.
Wonder which idiot came up with the song words 'silence is golden'? I would like to hack the person into pieces and tell him, "NO SIREE, SILENCE IS SHIT".
Perhaps my desire to be the center of attention brings me my interest in acting, for only in acting do i get others' attention on me, this little short silent girl who sort of blends in with the crowd, who only might stand out in terms of height, who smiles all the time to cover the silence.
I was never good at taking initiatives, which i suppose explains my anti-social abilities for I never know what to do or say in front of strangers. I would like to think I can start up a wonderful conversation immediately, the way a matchstick lights up immediately, where there's this spark that keeps the conversation going. But I would be deluding myself.
I envy people who know how to joke, how to stand out, how to be the center-of-attention. I have this fear of doing or saying the wrong thing in front of others, therefore I keep my mouth shut. Only when I know that the person won't mind, I open it, and a lot of nonsense start sputtling out.
SHIT. I think I sound more and more like a self-depressed teenager each day. Do I sound like our RI peers? For I always thought they were self-depressed people, writing out angsty stuff in their blogs and sounding as though they are living in hell.
Ok... I might be going crazy. Wait, I already am. I MEAN, I MIGHT BE GOING CRAZIER. Yup. I should go consult a shrink or something. She might probably advise me to go woodbridge hospital immediately. OOPS.
NEVER MIND, YOU ALL KNOW I AM NOT CRAZY YET RIGHT? *glares menacingly at everyone* RIGHT?
Glad you know that... =D
1 flowers
1 Comments:
THANK YOU! *gives a grand bow* haha.
far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Tuesday, June 28
11:33 PM
lee zhixin, at
2:23 AM