How exams came about
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived an old man named Kong Zi. He was old and wrinkled and ugly, and therefore no woman was willing to marry him. He was, however, oblivious to this fact.
"I am so handsome! The women queuing up for me line up from Taiwan to France! That's why the governments of all the countries that the women are lining up in are complaining to me! But of course, I shall ignore them! It is a wonder that I am not married yet, for I don't want to stop the queue of women, do I?" He thought smugly.
(The queue of women was of course untrue. The governments' complaints were true though.)
And so he continued deluding himself One day, a fat and ugly woman passed by him.
Kong Zi: Oi, you so ugly, go and die lah! This world contaminated by people like you!
Woman: I ugly? At least not as ugly as you! I got someone who wants me! *points to husband*
Kong Zi: Hah! I got queues of women who want me! You see!
Woman: *squinting at the ants on the ground* these the women ah? Alamak, how you have sex with them! So small, squash them to death already liao! at least I can have good sex with my hubby!!!
Kong Zi: *speechless with shock* Oi, why you so uncultivated one? People don't talk about *ahem* in public!!! (this he probably said as he knew he wouldn't have the opportunity to have sex, and besides, his *toot* was too small, like Raffles! Oh yeah, Raffles probably was some distant relation to him)
And so that is the reason why people think he's so cultivated, when in fact he doesn't talk about *ahem* as he can't have it!
One lovely windy day, he caught sight of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen(this woman was probably a relation to Xi Shi). Her silky long black hair was flowing behind her, and her cheeks had a lovely tinge of red to them. Her eyes were so big and glowing with intelligence, something Kong Zi did not have. Her skin was oh-so-fair and so soft and smooth. Her boobs were really big and her legs were long and shapely. She has a wonderful hour-glass figure.
Kong Zi thought of her day and night and inquired after her. It turned out that she was actually a close friend of the queen and the queen was organising a meet for all the clever individuals on earth to see who was the most compatible for her. Kong Zi excitedly awaited this day with anticipation, certain that he would emerge victorious and win the lady's heart.
However, the moment he reached the iron gates of the place, the palace guards stopped him immediately.
Palace guards: Oi, you old man there! Stop immediately!
Kong Zi: Who you calling, you idiot? I am here for the Queen's meet, which you two are too inferior to attend!
Palace guards: Who the heck are you! Look so ugly and stupid, how can go to this meet ah? The queen only wants clever individuals, not stupid ones like you!
Kong Zi: I stupid? I stupid? Oi, you watch out! After I go in to meet the queen I complain ah! I know a lot of things one you know! I know that one plus one equals two! You don't know that, do you?
Palace guards: We do! We also know a lot of stuff, such as even a quarter of me can throw you this wrinkled guy out! So old still want to marry the friend of the queen, so bu4 zhi1 xiu1 chi3!
And thus, the palace guards pinched Kong Zi's shirt with two fingers and flung him into the center of the castle in Beijing. That was how the King knew him.
Unfortunately, the King was as stupid as Kong Zi, that was why he thought Kong Zi was very clever. However, after he went to learn from a much smarter guy, an ancesteor to Zhu ge liang, he discovered the astonishing fact that Kong Zi was a stupid guy.
King: Oi, Kong Zi, help me do this sum. I need to calculate how many army troops I need.
Kong Zi: *looks at sum of 10000 x 400* Alamak, king, this sum nobody can do one! You see, even I don't know how to do, how can anyone know how to do?
King: *looks at sum* isn't the answer 4000000? Very easy what! *looks puzzled*
Kong Zi: Alamak, you so stupid, the answer surely wrong one what!
King: WHAT!?!?!
The king, livid with anger, threw him into prison and was going to torture him when he found out that other countries were preparing to attack his dear country because they were annoyed with Kong Zi. Thus, he went to another country to discuss this and shortly forgot about him entirely.
Meanwhile, Kong Zi was very happy in prison as he could see the beauty girl of his dreams occasionally when she went through the dungeons. He knew that she was very impressed with him(when in fact she was the exact opposite) and knew that it was sooner or later before the beauty rescued him from the prison and married him.
However, his dreams were destoryed when one day a bomb hit the prison walls and released him. He actually wanted to go back to his prison cell, however, he could spot another bomb coming(his entire prison ceiling wall plus half of the cell had collasped) and decided to escape for his dear life.
He ran and ran for a long 5 metres before he became exhasted and stopped, breathless. He saw a brothel and decided to test out his masculine powers with the prostitutes. However, he had no money and decided to borrow them from a ssssss-snakehead who charges a 30% interest(told you he was stupid. another sssss-snakehead only charged 8% interest). However, the moment he reached the gates of the brothel, he was immediately flung out again due to his repelling appearance which caused all the prostitutes to run for the mao2 fang2 immediately to puke.
He thought that it was a pity that the prostitutes had missed such a great catch like him and decided to spend all his money on clothes(after all, he was worth it, with such a great body like his).
It was not long after before the sssss-snakehead came to tao3 zai4. He ran frantically for his dear life, managing to avoid the sssss-snakehead only moments before the knife sliced off his whole head. The knife had however sliced off a little of his head(which later on, the people of the future generation believed him that he was actually mistaken for another person).
He went in pursue of the lady of his dreams again, believing time and time in his dreams. He always walked past the palace just to catch a glimpse of her, and always trailed her when she went out of the palace. He decided to write a few books to make people think that he was clever, however, the books were all very lousy but the people of the future generation misinterpreted it was a way of writing in the past.
One day, one terrible stormy grey day, however, his dreams shattered like clouds dispersing after being blown. While he was trailing after his lady, he heard her comment to her friend,"There has been this lunatic who has been trailing after me wherever I go... He's so ugly loh, so old and wrinkled like an elephant. Plus, he's so stupid, only can do 1-figure sums... hahaha... he thinks he's so clever plus handsome, really bu4 zhi1 liang4 li4 leh!"
It was as if a thunderbolt had struck him. He stood stunned in the middle of the street, moving only when a pail of dirty laundry water splashed down on him(the lady who threw the water looked disgusted that her pail of high class water landed on such a low grade shit). He moved, desolate, wondering about the purpose of his life.
He finally decided that he was going to have one thing before he died: revenge.
He started teaching equally stupid students(he couldn't afford for rich smart students to expose him). This was one of his distant mumblings of himself:
"I shall have my revenge on all the stupid educated people in the world! I shall set EXAMS!!! Yes, I will! This will torture the students in the future yet lead to their misleading thoughts that I am the greatest teacher of all teachers! I shall also set projects for them! I shall cause their sufferings! Yes, what a perfect plan! This will specially be targetted at future pupils who think that they are clever, like that idiot I saw! What a perfect plan!"
This was how exams came about, and this was how our sufferings came about. Poor innocent us who didn't do anything to him.
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far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Saturday, March 12
1:00 AM
