RA diary entry by Farquhar
Dear Diary,
Ah! The glory of it! The joy of it! The victory of it! Two days ago, me, handsome William Farquhar, has finally earned back my pride!
Yes, as you have seen in my previous entry, diary, I have killed that bastard scumbag Raffles. But in my joy and haste to quickly go celebrate my long-last deserving victory, I forgot to elablorate on a lot of details.
Let me continue from the point after I have scotch-taped his stinking mouth. Boy, I almost fainted from the smell of his mouth! But luckily, I have strong resistance and determination, thus I managed to perserve on... I tell you, the smell of his mouth can knock down anything within a kilometre range. But that was not the worst part.
And so I began slicing off his disgusting dirty clothes with my shiny gleaming knife. His clothes were really dirty! I bet he had not washed them for a year! Just think of the Nile river filled with dung, and you get what I mean.
As the pieces of his clothes fell off piece by piece(I made sure the clothes were exactly 1 cm by 1cm), I saw the most disgusting sight that I, the all-knowing William Farquhar, have ever ever seen. I saw his -
toot- !!! It was so damn hairy! No wonder his first wife died. They were probably having sex for the first time, and when she saw his -
toot-, she was so damn horrified that she fainted and died immediately. That was probably what happened. Another observation of his horrifying -
toot- was that it was so small! Smaller than the tiniest ant you have ever seen. It was therefore no wonder that all his children(yes, I feel sorry for all his poor children, dying because of their useless father) died so soon. It IS a wonder, though, that his second wife did not also faint and die.
And that was when I started noticing the odour coming from his hairy armpits. Yes, his armpits are even more hairy than his -
toot-!!! Can you imagine it? You can't? Well, let me, creative and innovative William Farquhar, think of a fabulous metaphor. Think of the Pacific ocean filled with hair. Yes, that was
exactly how much hair his armpits have! And the odour! I was beginning to feel sorry for ever coming to murder him. For me, William Farquhar, the one with the strong determination and perserverance, was KNOCKED OUT! But of course I woke up within five minutes for the smell was too overpowering to stay knocked out. I had to rush out and get a gas mask before coming back in. But for the ordinary person, he or she will surely die from the smell. His smell can reach a range of 50km!!! Just imagine the whole sun filled with body ordour instead of gases. You roughly get the idea then.
Well, I had to perserve on, don't I? And so I began removing all his hair to lessen the smell. Including the hair from his armpit and his
-toot-. Mind you, the whole floor was filled with hair up to 1.5 metres long! Luckily I didn't cut all of his hair on his armpit or the whole room would not be enough to keep the hair and all the people within a 50km range will start dying from the odour.
Next, I began slicing off his unhealthy yellow skin. Know why his skin is so damn yellowish? That's because he has been smoking opium! He was the one who authorised opium and gambling dens, and when he learnt that Lord Hastings was coming to check on Singapore, he rushed back as soon as possible and accused
me of setting them up! Yes, ME! Poor little me was thus framed up!!!
Next I began cutting his black organs out. Yes, they were black! As a result of too much opium! Plus, his airway was already so narrow that if he lived for another week to two he would have died! I am such a kind person, ending his suffering for him instead sooner! And just at the right timing too!
The rest of the story, you know roughly. I shadn't bore you with too many details, or you'll be really disgusted.
And thus I end this entry with warmest thanks to God who have destinated my mission to be successful to decrease the number of innocent people that would have died from the ordour of his armpits and mouth.
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far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Sunday, February 27
11:20 PM
