diary entry of facquhar
Dear Diary,
This is the GREATEST day of my life! I have finally gotten rid of the pain in the butt, that bastard Raffles! He is finally gone, gone, GONE!!!! I am so damn delighted that i could dance naked in orchard road!
I must elaborate on this greatest day in my life. Prior to what the idiots are thinking on melblog22's blog, i DID NOT choke Raffles with a fishball! That would be letting that idiot off too easily, don't you think?
You know what I did? Let me tell you...
I had planned this for 2 months already! 2 months wasted on tedious planning and sweating! 2 months wasted to taste sweet revenge! 2 months to carry out my wonderful plan! ah, the glee! the sweet sugarly taste of revenge!Serve that idiot right for sacking me! Declaring me
incompetent, destroying my reputation when i have wasted my blood and sweat for this small dear island of Singapore while that idiot went travelling overseas(yes, he went on holiday while i was working so hard for Singapore! HOLIDAY!!! on the pretense of work! all the fools have believed him that he was working hard! he has managed to fool all of you!).
On this dark and stormy night where there isn't a ray of moonlight to be seen, I crept silently and steathily on to Raffles's bunk where he was snoring like a pig with a knife in my right hand and a weighing scale on the other. I planned to follow my idol, Shylock, only much worse! much much worse!
As i raised my knife, the clouds that were covering the moon drifted off. My knife gleamed sinisterly under the moonlight. Just then that Raffles woke up. His eyes widened with shock and fear when he saw that grin on my handsome face and the knife in which i was raising high. Ah, the glee i felt when i saw that expression of fear! For the first time in his meaningless life, he is feeling scared! Let me tell you, this is RETRIBUTION! he has to pay for what he has done!
And so, he said his last deathbed sentences before i used scotch tape to paste over his stinking mouth. "Facquhar, get that knife off! I will haunt you, you idiot! you will pay if you kill me! Get out of here, you idiot! NOOOOO!!!" His eyes widened as i pressed my knife against his throat.
But of course i didn't kill him straight away. That was too easy! Instead, I began removing pieces of skin from his body, piece by piece until you could see all the veins in his body. But he was not dead. How can he be? I wanted to make sure he was alive to feel the pain i have felt!
And so i began removing his revolting eyeballs with my knife. Red blood, smooth as velvet, flowed out and stained his dirty bed sheets.
The next step i did was to cut off his veins. Minor veins first, of course, or he'll die sooner! And so this was a really messy step. The blood that had flowed oh so smoothy splurted out this time. The room was stained with blood. the blood created nice patterns on the whitewashed walls. In fact, even nicer than those pictures in the museums which they claim are art! *phui!*
having done that, I decided to be merciful after all. I sliced my knife in his barely pumping heart and then it stopped. I am so merciful, don't you think? i could have cut off his other veins first, you see... and i fulfilled his silent wish of dying! I feel so great!
And so he died without a word of protest. I began chopping vigorously at all his internal organs and his grey brain matter. Within an hour, all was done. His body parts were all chopped up and placed on his bed neatly. I wiped my brow and weighed his body parts on my weighing scale. 20 pounds! man, that pig is fat and heavy!
You know why you all idiots thought it was brain tumour? Well, Lord Hastings entered Raffles's room the next bright and sunny morning and shot out immediately, vommiting all the way. His face was green in colour, really green! His eyeballs rolled and me, being the kind person that i am, began helping him to his room where the doctors were. And he said to the doctors, "Raffles... dead...brain..." and died with a shocked gasp. The doctors thus inferred that Raffles died of brain tumour and sealed the room up without even looking in it as they were more concerned about Lord Hastings, who was in a much more important position than the dung raffles! And so the room was thus forgotten and sealed.
The only thing i regretted about this was that Raffles was still thought to be the founder of Singapore! I should have gotten him to write that me, facquhar, was the TRUE founder! So there!
And thus, I sign off, diary,with my warmest wishes that nobody stumbles upon the disgusting room.
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far and wee
you and i together mysteriously and always floating
Saturday, February 5
1:36 PM
